Most of us have or have had at least one strong willed child. I think these ideas are good for lots of situations even if you don't necessarily consider your child a strong willed child.
Parenting Strong Willed Children
Remember: We’re trying to train a spirited horse without breaking them
Top down
discipline = more bruises
Laze faire/no rules = Kids dominating isn’t good either
Characteristics
of strong willed children: How to identify strong willed children
"Difficult"or "Stubborn"
Often different from your other kids
Often different from your other kids
Spirited and courageous
Want to learn things for themselves
rather than accept what other people say
Test the limits over and over
You are not the boss of me – desperately want to be in charge of themselves
Must be right
Focus and obsess on ideas or
things
Have big passionate feelings
Prone to power struggles with parents
Have big passionate feelings
Prone to power struggles with parents
They can accomplish great things. But,if they buy into the
notion that they are the problem or a troublemaker that is a big problem!
Recognize your “awfulizer”. It’s like a magnifier, We are
able to think about a million things at the same time, gather all information and
project a path. The “awfulizer” kicks in and we jump to all kinds of awful conclusions.
We start to imagine all the awful things that are going to happen to our
children if we don’t correct them. So we set up more strict rules – we start to
over control and that leads to even more power struggles.
Top Ten Survival Guidelines for
parenting strong willed kids:
1. Create Structure with their collaboration; with
routine and rules.
These routines and rules need to be able to be revisited
They
must be consistently applied
The
child needs to know the why of the rule
The rule
needs to be about taking care of a problem – it's not about inflicting pain or
punishment
2. These children are experiential learners
They
learn by doing – even failing
Walk
through it afterward with them and ask “Is that what you wanted to have happen?” “What can you do differently next
time?”
They
will learn from experience but they may have to learn it over and over. They will
learn it when it’s worth their
effort.
Remember
– do less than 80% of the talking; ask open ended questions, questions that can’t
be answered with a simple yes
or no.
3. What they want most is mastery over things
They
need wins; they need people and places where people say “That was awesome!”
4. Provide Choices and Options
Avoid
choicing traps – proper choicing is not a game. Choicing Traps: Empty choices, Over using choices, Options you don't want them to choose, My way or the highway choices, One
that is really a punishment, Not age appropriate, Options that are meaningless
Not being open to their suggestions leads to lots of resentment.
Allow them to modify their choices
Not being open to their suggestions leads to lots of resentment.
Allow them to modify their choices
Move
the parent from being the problem to being the cheerleader, the collaborator; Work together to work out a plan.
Instead
of being the “NO” person – learn how to be part of the solution
5. Don’t Push Them into Corners where they have to oppose
you.
HOW you parent is just as important as WHAT you parent
Ask yourself “Is this a hill worth dying on?”
Ask yourself “Is this a hill worth dying on?”
Speak
in still, soft tones
Don’t
confront when still angry – many decisions don’t have to be made immediately
Ask
yourself important questions like:
What triggers YOU and makes YOU mad?
What do YOU do when YOU get mad? Yell, anger, withdraw, sarcasm?
What coping skills are YOU modeling?
What coping skills are YOU modeling?
6. Let Them Save Face
Don't make everything a win/lose
Don't make everything a win/lose
7. Listen to them and Repeat Back what you are hearing – Listening Trumps
Solving!
If
YOU solve it – they don’t own it
8. Really Try to See Issues from their point of view
9. It’s About Discipline (teaching) NOT Punishment
Relationship not force
Escalating to more severe punishment doesn’t work
Escalating to more severe punishment doesn’t work
It is not the severity of the consequence that matters. It’s about making amends. It’s
about teaching them to take responsibility.
It’s not about teaching them to be afraid or resentful.
10. Offer Large Doses of Respect and Empathy
Calm, Communicate, Collaborate, Collaborate, Collaborate
Calm, Communicate, Collaborate, Collaborate, Collaborate
They
often run into bumps with other people. Be the bumpers on the bowling alley.
No comments:
Post a Comment
Note: Only a member of this blog may post a comment.