Immaculate Perception

"Immaculate Perception" is a phrase I heard used in a class about communication and emotional intelligence given by Richard Himmer at Education Week last year. I thought it was a great way to describe a common problem. We are often so self absorbed that we don't realize that we may not know or understand as much as we think we do about another's failings. Our perception of things is just that - our perception. And it is often too tainted by our limited perspective to be safely trusted. Anytime we become so sure that we know exactly what another person is thinking or feeling, we are in danger of this phenomenon. That kind of understanding comes only after we have been able to humbly ask the kind of questions that lead to understanding. It comes only when our only desires are to truly understand rather than accuse.

This is a great quote that also describes "Immaculate Perception":
"I know you think you understand what you thought I said. But I'm not sure you realize that what you heard is not what I meant" - Robert McCloskey

How can we have Influence?

I was blessed to be able to attend a sisters leadership training on Saturday night with Elder Christofferson, Bishop Causse and Elder Wilford W. Anderson of the Seventy. It was awesome. Interestingly, though I loved all of it, it was Elder Anderson's words that struck me most. He spoke about having influence and then taught more about it in answer to a question that was asked later in the evening. So here is my summary of what I got from it.

3 observations about how we can have influence.
1. Guilt; guilt is a good thing when it is leads to repentance. That is it's purpose. Godly Sorrow leads to repentance. But guilt can be a terrible thing, a tool of the adversary, when we experience it because of the behavior of others. Guilt is intended to lead us to repentance - we can't repent for others. I may have missed some of his point about how this is connected to having influence except that we can't be consumed by guilt for what others are doing.

2. Focus on the heart:  In the world, influence is thought to flow from important or powerful people but it is opposite in the church. It flows to the righteous not from them. To have influence we need to focus on the heart; we need to bring in light. The economy of God is different from the world. We love God because He first loved us. (1 John 4:19) We must use the attributes found in D&C 121 - persuasion, long suffering, gentleness, meekness, love unfeigned, kindness etc. Scolding doesn't bring light and change hearts.

3. We have time. We can't be in too big of a hurry. It takes time to change hearts. But we have time. We have eternity. It doesn't take much time to change conduct. We can do that pretty quickly if we try to use force. But that doesn't lead to lasting change and often has the opposite effect. We mistakenly focus on conduct and try to force change. We must respect the agency (and needs and feelings) of others.

Elder Anderson spoke of his father. He said his father never answered with a yes or a no to a request to do something. He always asked questions exploring the ramifications of the request. For example, when he asked if he could go camping for the weekend with his friend's family, his father ask lots of questions such as: Do you have some responsibilities at church this Sunday to prepare the Sacrament? Answer; Well yes but I can get my brother to cover for me. Q: Will you be able to attend church on Sunday? A: Well no but we can read a few scriptures and that will be good enough. After asking several other questions, his father would say, "Well if it were me, I wouldn't go." Elder Anderson usually ended up making the right decision.

So here is the key: To fortify homes, we need to fill them with the Spirit of the Lord. A change in desires is what we would like to have happen. We should do what we can to facilitate what happened to the people after King Benjamin's great address found in Mosiah 5:2-3.  - We believe all the words spoken to us. We know of their surety and truth because of the Spirit of the Lord Omnipotent, which has wrought a mighty change in our hearts that we have no more disposition to do evil but to do good continually. We ourselves, through the goodness of God and through the manifestation of his spirit, have had great views of the future.

That's what we want to have happen for our children or for anyone we would like to influence for good. Anger, scolding, disgust (sarcasm, criticism) are just the opposite of what is needed. Ill will offends the Spirit. The Spirit leaves. The Spirit of the Lord is our only hope so we must fill our homes with the Spirit of the Lord. Charity is our best chance at dispelling the darkness. (Charity suffers long and is kind, is not easily provoked, is not puffed up, is not concerned with self interests, doesn't think evil of others, bears all things, endures all things, hopes all things. Charity never fails)

When Mercy Becomes a Man Eating Weed

Here is a quote I first read and loved many years ago. It's from C. S. Lewis about mercy and justice. It's taken from an essay called "The Humanitarian Theory of Punishment". Reading the whole essay helps in understanding the quote. And though his examples relate to the justice system, the principle is true in all situations. What I get from it is that there is a sternness that can save and a niceness that is capable of destroying the very one it purports to help. Mercy and Justice are linked together. The Plan of Salvation promises both and because of that we can have faith that ALL things will be made RIGHT in the end - WHATEVER that may mean. There is right and wrong and we're better off when we know the difference rather than going through life unable to see "things as they really are" (Jacob 4:13). There WILL BE a judgement bar, a time to make an account. The law of the harvest demands that we WILL reap what we sow. It can't be any other way. Without it faith is vain.

Love is the constant that makes both justice and mercy work. It is Christlike love that loves the sinner but doesn't condone the sin or the wrong behavior and instead teaches the way to happiness.

"Mercy, detached from Justice, grows unmerciful. That is the important paradox. As there are plants which will flourish only in mountain soil, so it appears that Mercy will flower only when it grows in the crannies of the rock of Justice; transplanted to the marshlands of mere Humanitarianism, it becomes a man-eating weed, all the more dangerous because it is still called by the same name as the mountain variety. "

Link to the whole essay: https://ojs.lib.byu.edu/spc/index.php/IssuesInReligionAndPsychotherapy/article/viewFile/273/272

These are notes from a class I took at Education Week last year. The presenter was Kevin Hinckley.

Most of us have or have had at least one strong willed child. I think these ideas are good for lots of situations even if you don't necessarily consider your child a strong willed child.

Parenting Strong Willed Children

Remember: We’re trying to train a spirited horse without breaking them

Top down discipline = more bruises

Laze faire/no rules = Kids dominating isn’t good either

Characteristics of strong willed children: How to identify strong willed children

      "Difficult"or "Stubborn"
       Often different from your other kids

       Spirited and courageous

       Want to learn things for themselves rather than accept what other people say

       Test the limits over and over

       You are not the boss of me – desperately want to be in charge of themselves

       Must be right

       Focus and obsess on ideas or things
       Have big passionate feelings
       Prone to power struggles with parents

They can accomplish great things. But,if they buy into the notion that they are the problem or a troublemaker that is a big problem!

Recognize your “awfulizer”. It’s like a magnifier, We are able to think about a million things at the same time, gather all information and project a path. The “awfulizer” kicks in and we jump to all kinds of awful conclusions. We start to imagine all the awful things that are going to happen to our children if we don’t correct them. So we set up more strict rules – we start to over control and that leads to even more power struggles.

Top Ten Survival Guidelines for parenting strong willed kids:

1. Create Structure with their collaboration; with routine and rules.

         These routines and rules need to be able to be revisited

         They must be consistently applied

         The child needs to know the why of the rule

         The rule needs to be about taking care of a problem – it's not about inflicting pain or punishment

2. These children are experiential learners

         They learn by doing – even failing

         Walk through it afterward with them and ask “Is that what you wanted to have happen?” “What can you do differently next time?”

          They will learn from experience but they may have to learn it over and over. They will learn it when it’s worth their effort.

         Remember – do less than 80% of the talking; ask open ended questions, questions that can’t be answered with a simple yes or no.

3. What they want most is mastery over things

         They need wins; they need people and places where people say “That was awesome!”

4. Provide Choices and Options

         Avoid choicing traps – proper choicing is not a game. Choicing Traps: Empty choices, Over using choices, Options you don't want them to choose, My way or the highway choices, One that is really a punishment, Not age appropriate, Options that are meaningless      
         Not being open to their suggestions leads to lots of resentment.
         Allow them to modify their choices

         Move the parent from being the problem to being the cheerleader, the collaborator; Work together to work out a plan.

         Instead of being the “NO” person – learn how to be part of the solution

5. Don’t Push Them into Corners where they have to oppose you.

       HOW you parent is just as important as WHAT you parent
       Ask yourself “Is this a hill worth dying on?”

       Speak in still, soft tones

       Don’t confront when still angry – many decisions don’t have to be made immediately

       Ask yourself important questions like:

           What triggers YOU and makes YOU mad?

            What do YOU do when YOU get mad? Yell, anger, withdraw, sarcasm?
            What coping skills are YOU modeling?

6. Let Them Save Face
       Don't make everything a win/lose

7. Listen to them and Repeat Back what you are hearing – Listening Trumps Solving!

       If YOU solve it – they don’t own it

8. Really Try to See Issues from their point of view

9. It’s About Discipline (teaching) NOT Punishment

      Relationship not force
      Escalating to more severe punishment doesn’t work

      It is not the severity of the consequence that matters. It’s about making amends. It’s about teaching them to take responsibility. It’s not about teaching them to be afraid or resentful.

10. Offer Large Doses of Respect and Empathy
        Calm, Communicate, Collaborate, Collaborate, Collaborate

      They often run into bumps with other people. Be the bumpers on the bowling alley.   

Speak Out with Words of Love

President Gordon B Hinckley, 

“I plead with you to control your tempers, to put a smile upon your faces, which will erase anger; speak out with words of love and peace, appreciation, and respect. If you will do this, your lives will be without regret. Your marriages and family relationships will be preserved. You will be much happier. You will do greater good. You will feel a sense of peace that will be wonderful.” GC, October 2007; Slow to Anger

“I have never accepted the principle of “spare the rod and spoil the child.” I will be forever grateful for a father who never laid a hand in anger upon his children. Somehow he had the wonderful talent to let them know what was expected of them and to give them encouragement in achieving it.

I am persuaded that violent fathers produce violent sons. I am satisfied that such punishment in most instances does more damage than good. Children don’t need beating. They need love and encouragement. They need fathers to whom they can look with respect rather than fear. Above all, they need example.” GC, October 1994, “Save the Children”

Allowing Children to Fail

Thomas S. Monson said:

Good parenting sometimes means allowing our children to fail and to deal with some heartbreaking experiences. President Thomas S. Monson reminds us that “life was never intended to consist of a glut of luxury, be an easy course, or filled only with success. There are those games which we lose, those races in which we finish last, and those promotions which never come. Such experiences provide an opportunity for us to show our determination and to rise above disappointment.” Thomas S. Monson GC April 1989, “Go For It”

Conditional Gifts

Elder Dallin H. Oaks of the Quorum of the Twelve has counseled, 

“Just as God has bestowed some gifts on all of His mortal children without requiring their personal obedience to His laws, parents provide many benefits like housing and food even if their children are not in total harmony with all parental requirements. But, following the example of an all-wise and loving Heavenly Father who has given laws and commandments for the benefit of His children, wise parents condition some parental gifts on obedience." Dallin H, Oaks, GC Oct 2009, “Love and Law”

A Leaky Bucket

Elder Dallin H. Oaks, January 30, 1973, BYU Devotional

“Misrepresentations of fact within trusted relationships – such as husband and wife, parent and child – are particularly vicious since they cause serious deterioration in these crucial relationships.

“How much trust would you place in a person who told you the truth ninety five percent of the time?

“The ninety five percenter is like a leaky bucket, the hole may be small, but it renders the entire vessel unworthy of its purpose. Unless the hole can be mended, the bucket is bound for the trash heap.”

Love Nurtures Faith

Elder Bednar taught:

We Should Express Love and Show it:

“Feeling the security and constancy of love from a spouse, a parent, or a child is a rich blessing. Such love nurtures and sustains faith in God. Such love is a source of strength and casts out fear (see 1 John 4:18). Such love is the desire of every human soul.”

We Should Bear Testimony and Live It:

“Within the walls of our own homes, we can and should bear pure testimony of the divinity and reality of the Father and the Son, of the great plan of happiness, and of the Restoration.”

“Our testimony of gospel truth should be reflected both in our words and in our deeds. . . . our testimonies are proclaimed and lived most powerfully in our own homes. . . . We should both create and look for opportunities to bear testimony of gospel truths—and live them.

“Feeling the power, the edification, and the constancy of testimony from . . . a parent . . . is a rich blessing. Such testimony fortifies faith and provides direction. Such testimony generates light in a world that grows increasingly dark. Such testimony is the source of an eternal perspective and of enduring peace.”

Be Consistent

“Each family prayer, each episode of family scripture study, and each family home evening is a brushstroke on the canvas of our souls. No one event may appear to be very impressive or memorable. . . . our consistency in doing seemingly small things can lead to significant spiritual results.

“Being consistent in our homes is important for another reason. Many of the Savior’s harshest rebukes were directed to hypocrites. Jesus warned His disciples concerning the scribes and Pharisees: “Do not ye after their works: for they say, and do not” (Matthew 23:3). This strong admonition is sobering given the counsel to “express love—and show it,” to “bear testimony—and live it,” and to “be consistent.”

“A public statement of love when the private actions of love are absent at home is hypocrisy—and weakens the foundation of a great work. Publicly declaring testimony when faithfulness and obedience are missing within our own homes is hypocrisy—and undermines the foundation of a great work. The commandment “Thou shalt not bear false witness” (Exodus 20:16) applies most pointedly to the hypocrite in each of us. We need to be and become more consistent. “But be thou an example of the believers, in word, in conversation, in charity, in spirit, in faith, in purity”. (1 Timothy 4:12)

“The hypocrisy in our lives is most readily discerned and causes the greatest destruction within our own homes. And children often are the most alert and sensitive when it comes to recognizing hypocrisy.”

How to Teach a Colt to Fall Over

Here is a story told by Elder M. Russell Ballard. His application of this story was how to encourage young men to serve missions but the application is universal as we deal with children or adults.

 Elder M Russell Ballard, Ensign, May 2005, “One More”

“As you reach out to them, please remember the experience of a friend of mine. He had never owned a horse in his life until he married a wonderful woman who loves horses. Wanting to impress his new bride, he announced one evening that he was going to the pasture to teach a colt how to be led. He weighed more than the colt. He knew more than the colt. He assumed all he would need to do was pull on the lead rope and sooner or later the colt would follow. He was confident that the process would be short and simple.

He attached the lead rope to the halter, got in front of the colt, and pulled. The colt resisted. My friend pulled harder, and the colt planted his legs more firmly. So he really pulled, and the colt fell over. The process was repeated several times until my friend made this assessment: in just four or five minutes he had successfully taught the colt to fall over. All he had to do was get in front of the colt, pick up the rope, and over it would go.

His wife, watching this process, finally suggested that instead of getting in front of the colt and pulling, he might try wrapping the rope around the colt and simply walking alongside. To my friend’s chagrin, it worked.

There seems to be something inside each of us that resists being told or pushed or pulled. But if someone puts an arm around a young man and walks alongside him, he is likely to follow along with a desire to serve. 

Unrighteous Dominion

Paul V. Johnson, Seminaries and Institutes of Religion Satellite Broadcast August 5, 2014

“Control, force, manipulation – these things can produce compliance, but they won’t promote conversion. If there is any real progress with the child, it is in spite of any compulsion, not because of it.

“Unrighteous dominion doesn’t yield real spiritual growth because that only comes when a person chooses to do what is right, not when he or she is forced or coerced to some behavior. Forcing children to do the right things can actually foster rebellion.”

“Daddy, do you own me?”

I may as well post more of my favorites. So here is another. This example points out what a great amount of patience it takes to work with children especially if they need to do something but don't want to.

Elder Russell M. Nelson. Ensign, April 1991, Listen to Learn

A wise father once said, “I do a greater amount of good when I listen to my children than when I talk to them.” 

When our youngest daughter was about four years of age, I came home from hospital duties quite late one evening. I found my dear wife to be very weary. I don’t know why. She only had nine children underfoot all day. So I offered to get our four-year-old ready for bed. I began to give the orders: “Take off your clothes; hang them up; put on your pajamas; brush your teeth; say your prayers” and so on, commanding in a manner befitting a tough sergeant in the army. Suddenly she cocked her head to one side, looked at me with a wistful eye, and said, “Daddy, do you own me?”

She taught me an important lesson. I was using coercive methods on this sweet soul. To rule children by force is the technique of Satan, not of the Savior. No, we don’t own our children. Our parental privilege is to love them, to lead them, and to let them go.

You Can't Drive Them

This is another one I found when researching for my lesson:

President Joseph F. Smith 

“Fathers, if you wish your children to be taught in the principles of the gospel, if you wish them to love the truth and understand it, if you wish them to be obedient to and united with you, love them! … However wayward they might be, … when you speak or talk to them, do it not in anger, do it not harshly, in a condemning spirit. Speak to them kindly. … You can’t drive them; they won’t be driven” 

(Gospel Doctrine, 5th ed. [1939], 316). Quoted by Elder John K Carmack, February 1997, “When Our Children Go Astray”

He Made Me Mad

I'm preparing again for a Ward Conference Relief Society lesson and reread this excerpt from a General Conference talk from a while back. It really made an impression on me when it was given so I went looking for it when considering how we create an atmosphere of love in our homes that will lead to spiritual growth.

Lynn G Robbins, GC, April 1998, Agency and Anger

“. . . Satan is the “father of contention, and he stirreth up the hearts of men to contend with anger, one with another” (3 Ne. 11:29; emphasis added). The verb stir sounds like a recipe for disaster: Put tempers on medium heat, stir in a few choice words, and bring to a boil; continue stirring until thick; cool off; let feelings chill for several days; serve cold; lots of leftovers.

A cunning part of his strategy is to dissociate anger from agency, making us believe that we are victims of an emotion that we cannot control. We hear, “I lost my temper.” . . . To “lose something” implies “not meaning to,” “accidental,” “involuntary,” “not responsible”—careless perhaps but “not responsible.”

“He made me mad.” This is another phrase we hear, also implying lack of control or agency. This is a myth that must be debunked. No one makes us mad. Others don’t make us angry. There is no force involved. Becoming angry is a conscious choice, a decision; therefore, we can make the choice not to become angry. We choose!”

“Nor can becoming angry be justified. In Matthew 5, verse 22, the Lord says: “But I say unto you, That whosoever is angry with his brother without a cause shall be in danger of the judgment” (emphasis added). How interesting that the phrase “without a cause” is not found in the inspired Joseph Smith Translation (see Matt. 5:24), nor in the 3 Nephi 12:22 version. When the Lord eliminates the phrase “without a cause,” He leaves us without an excuse. “But this is my doctrine, that such things should be done away” (3 Ne. 11:30). We can “do away” with anger, for He has so taught and commanded us.”

How shall we avoid deception?

How shall we be able to avoid deception in these the last days when Christ himself prophesied:

"For in those days there shall also arise false Christs, and false prophets, and shall show great signs and wonders, insomuch, that, if possible, they shall deceive the very elect, who are the elect according to the covenant. "  (JS Matthew 1:22)

Elder Kim B. Clark warned in last General Conference:
"Whatever level of spirituality or faith or obedience we now have, it will not be sufficient for the work that lies ahead. We need greater spiritual light and power. We need eyes to see more clearly the Savior working in our lives and ears to hear His voice more deeply in our hearts."

D&C 45: 55-59 gives us the key to arriving at the last day where Satan has no place in our heart; the key to being one of the wise virgins referred to in the parable of the Ten Virgins found in Matthew 25:1-13.  The key is . . . . are you ready . . . . .drum roll please . . . . in D&C 45:57 . . . . the wise vigins "have taken the Holy Spirit for their guide"

So taking the Holy Spirit for our guide becomes our most important task. Elder Clark gave some good guidelines for doing that, all the simple stuff that we've heard over and over. Do we have faith enough to act upon these guidelines? Its the same as asking "Are we wise enough to keep oil in our lamps during the time of waiting for the Savior's return?"  Cause that's how we do it - so simple that its easy to look beyond the mark.

In all of these guidelines, I would add that it's crucial that our heart is engaged as we do them.  Simply checking them off a "TO DO LIST" is not going to work in the long term.

From Elder Clark:
In our HOMES: pray in faith, search the scriptures, keep the Sabbath day holy

In our CHAPElS: partake of the sacrament, make sacred promises to Heavenly Father 

In HOLY TEMPLES: participate in sacred ordinances

in our FAMILIES and ASSIGNMENTS: reach out to others, lifting their burdens and inviting them to come to Christ 

THEN this is the PROMISE: "the Holy Ghost will come! We will grow spiritually and gain experience with the Holy Ghost, and He will be our companion."

The RESULT for us: we will see the Lord Jesus Christ working in our lives; we will see our brothers and sisters through eyes of love and compassion; we will hear the Savior's voice in the scriptures, in the whisperings of the spirit, in the words of the living prophets; we will see the power of God resting upon HIs prophet; and we will know with a surety that this is God's holy work; we will see the way the Savior does; we will have eyes to see and ears to hear. . . Through the companionship of the Holy Ghost we will be able to cut through confusion, pain and darkness. 

I would add my testimony to these promises. I know that it's through these simple things that we use our agency to choose Christ and "receive the Holy Ghost". I know that He keeps His promises. I know that as we choose to receive the Holy Ghost - to invite him into our lives by doing these simple things, we will be led and guided to know "all things what ye should do." (2 N 32:5)

I know that "the Spirit speaketh truth and lieth not."  and that the spirit will show us "things as they really are, and of things as they really will be." and that the spirit will show us these things "plainly for the salvation of our souls." (Jacob 4:13) There is absolute truth - things as they really are and the spirit will teach it to us. There is good and evil. It is given unto us to judge. There is a light by which we may judge and we are counseled to "see that ye do not judge wrongfully. (Moroni 7:18-19)

“The ability to receive and act upon personal revelation is the single most important skill we can acquire in this life. With it we cannot fail; without it we cannot succeed” (Julie B Beck; “And upon the Handmaids in Those Days Will I Pour Out My Spirit,”Ensign, May 2010, 11).

So what can we do to increase our abilities to receive revelation from the Holy Ghost? How can we help our children to acquire this skill? How can we take the Holy Spirit for our guide?

Your Next Step

We read a conference talk together every morning. Today is was Elder Randall K Bennett, titled “Your Next Step”. He quoted Moroni 7:33 which says, “If ye will have faith in me ye shall have power to do whatsoever thing is expedient in me.”  He then went through three principles that will help us take our next step in our journey back to our Father in Heaven.  I believe these are true and powerful principles that will help us move forward in any worthy effort.

1. Become as a Child: When a child is learning to walk, they try and fail many times but they never give up. And because of that, they eventually learn how to walk. With childlike humility and willingness to keep trying, never giving up hope even when we fall, we can make progress toward Heavenly Father and our Savior. Our Heavenly Father rejoices in every faithful step and every effort to get back up and try again. – Elder Bennett

I believe our faithful efforts to overcome weaknesses and our efforts towards any worthy, desired outcome are steps towards becoming more like Him. And lead us back to Him. ~Shelley

2. Act with Faith: “Whenever we willingly act with faith in Jesus Christ and take another step, especially an uncomfortable step requiring change or repentance, we are blessed with strength. I testify that the Lord will guide us to – and through our next steps. He will more than match our efforts with His power if we are willing to keep trying, repenting, and moving forward with faith in our Heavenly Father and His Son, Jesus Christ.”  - Elder Bennett

Our devoted weekly observance of the Sabbath – a sign of our love for the Lord - carries with it a promise for our obedience. “We are promised that with devoted Sabbath day observance, the fulness of the earth will be ours.” (D&C 59:9-10, 13, 15-16)  - Elder Bennett

3. Overcome the Natural Man: “A third principle is this: we must counter the natural man’s tendency to procrastinate, to put off, or to give up. . . . faith in Heavenly Father and in Jesus Christ is a principle of action and power. If we are willing to act, we will be blessed with the strength to repent and with the strength to change.  . . We fail only if we fail to take another faithful step forward.” – Elder Bennett

Promised Blessings: “I promise that each faith-filled step will be met with help from heaven” – Elder Bennett

It’s my testimony that there is great and often untapped power available to us because of faithful keeping of covenants and commandments.  We need only the faith to ask and seek - the blessings are waiting to be given.  ~Shelley

Trust

I've been reviewing some of the classes I attended at Education Week last August, These quotes came from a class I attended about Trust.  Every day the teacher began the class with this quote: 

“To be trusted is a greater compliment than to be loved.” (Quoted by David O McKay, Gospel Ideals [1953]. 187)

 Here is another quote from that class about the importance of reliability in developing relationships of trust.

“Here is a hypothetical. You are home with your children. A person you don’t want to talk to is calling on the phone or coming to the door. You are tempted to have the children tell them you are not home.

“If you do this, you are showing your children that you will lie to gain an advantage, and you are teaching them how to do the same. You are weakening their faith that they can trust you to tell the truth. You are also casting doubt on the validity of the commandment not to lie and on the prophets who taught that commandment. You are even diminishing faith in the existence of the God whose commandment it is.” (Dallin H. Oaks, BYU Address, Nov 9, 2004)

Another quote from that class:

“Our principal rarely gets into classrooms to observe or give feedback. But when we had our accreditation visit, right in front of the whole team our principal said that he gets into every classroom at least once a year, if not more, He said that most were informal, drop-in visits. We all knew that it wasn’t true. We couldn’t believe that he would come right out and lie like that! After that, I never trusted him in the same way again.” (Trust Matters – Leadership for Successful Schools;Book by Megan Tschannen-Moran)