These are notes from a class I took at Education Week last year. The presenter was Kevin Hinckley.

Most of us have or have had at least one strong willed child. I think these ideas are good for lots of situations even if you don't necessarily consider your child a strong willed child.

Parenting Strong Willed Children

Remember: We’re trying to train a spirited horse without breaking them

Top down discipline = more bruises

Laze faire/no rules = Kids dominating isn’t good either

Characteristics of strong willed children: How to identify strong willed children

      "Difficult"or "Stubborn"
       Often different from your other kids

       Spirited and courageous

       Want to learn things for themselves rather than accept what other people say

       Test the limits over and over

       You are not the boss of me – desperately want to be in charge of themselves

       Must be right

       Focus and obsess on ideas or things
       Have big passionate feelings
       Prone to power struggles with parents

They can accomplish great things. But,if they buy into the notion that they are the problem or a troublemaker that is a big problem!

Recognize your “awfulizer”. It’s like a magnifier, We are able to think about a million things at the same time, gather all information and project a path. The “awfulizer” kicks in and we jump to all kinds of awful conclusions. We start to imagine all the awful things that are going to happen to our children if we don’t correct them. So we set up more strict rules – we start to over control and that leads to even more power struggles.

Top Ten Survival Guidelines for parenting strong willed kids:

1. Create Structure with their collaboration; with routine and rules.

         These routines and rules need to be able to be revisited

         They must be consistently applied

         The child needs to know the why of the rule

         The rule needs to be about taking care of a problem – it's not about inflicting pain or punishment

2. These children are experiential learners

         They learn by doing – even failing

         Walk through it afterward with them and ask “Is that what you wanted to have happen?” “What can you do differently next time?”

          They will learn from experience but they may have to learn it over and over. They will learn it when it’s worth their effort.

         Remember – do less than 80% of the talking; ask open ended questions, questions that can’t be answered with a simple yes or no.

3. What they want most is mastery over things

         They need wins; they need people and places where people say “That was awesome!”

4. Provide Choices and Options

         Avoid choicing traps – proper choicing is not a game. Choicing Traps: Empty choices, Over using choices, Options you don't want them to choose, My way or the highway choices, One that is really a punishment, Not age appropriate, Options that are meaningless      
         Not being open to their suggestions leads to lots of resentment.
         Allow them to modify their choices

         Move the parent from being the problem to being the cheerleader, the collaborator; Work together to work out a plan.

         Instead of being the “NO” person – learn how to be part of the solution

5. Don’t Push Them into Corners where they have to oppose you.

       HOW you parent is just as important as WHAT you parent
       Ask yourself “Is this a hill worth dying on?”

       Speak in still, soft tones

       Don’t confront when still angry – many decisions don’t have to be made immediately

       Ask yourself important questions like:

           What triggers YOU and makes YOU mad?

            What do YOU do when YOU get mad? Yell, anger, withdraw, sarcasm?
            What coping skills are YOU modeling?

6. Let Them Save Face
       Don't make everything a win/lose

7. Listen to them and Repeat Back what you are hearing – Listening Trumps Solving!

       If YOU solve it – they don’t own it

8. Really Try to See Issues from their point of view

9. It’s About Discipline (teaching) NOT Punishment

      Relationship not force
      Escalating to more severe punishment doesn’t work

      It is not the severity of the consequence that matters. It’s about making amends. It’s about teaching them to take responsibility. It’s not about teaching them to be afraid or resentful.

10. Offer Large Doses of Respect and Empathy
        Calm, Communicate, Collaborate, Collaborate, Collaborate

      They often run into bumps with other people. Be the bumpers on the bowling alley.   

Speak Out with Words of Love

President Gordon B Hinckley, 

“I plead with you to control your tempers, to put a smile upon your faces, which will erase anger; speak out with words of love and peace, appreciation, and respect. If you will do this, your lives will be without regret. Your marriages and family relationships will be preserved. You will be much happier. You will do greater good. You will feel a sense of peace that will be wonderful.” GC, October 2007; Slow to Anger

“I have never accepted the principle of “spare the rod and spoil the child.” I will be forever grateful for a father who never laid a hand in anger upon his children. Somehow he had the wonderful talent to let them know what was expected of them and to give them encouragement in achieving it.

I am persuaded that violent fathers produce violent sons. I am satisfied that such punishment in most instances does more damage than good. Children don’t need beating. They need love and encouragement. They need fathers to whom they can look with respect rather than fear. Above all, they need example.” GC, October 1994, “Save the Children”

Allowing Children to Fail

Thomas S. Monson said:

Good parenting sometimes means allowing our children to fail and to deal with some heartbreaking experiences. President Thomas S. Monson reminds us that “life was never intended to consist of a glut of luxury, be an easy course, or filled only with success. There are those games which we lose, those races in which we finish last, and those promotions which never come. Such experiences provide an opportunity for us to show our determination and to rise above disappointment.” Thomas S. Monson GC April 1989, “Go For It”

Conditional Gifts

Elder Dallin H. Oaks of the Quorum of the Twelve has counseled, 

“Just as God has bestowed some gifts on all of His mortal children without requiring their personal obedience to His laws, parents provide many benefits like housing and food even if their children are not in total harmony with all parental requirements. But, following the example of an all-wise and loving Heavenly Father who has given laws and commandments for the benefit of His children, wise parents condition some parental gifts on obedience." Dallin H, Oaks, GC Oct 2009, “Love and Law”

A Leaky Bucket

Elder Dallin H. Oaks, January 30, 1973, BYU Devotional

“Misrepresentations of fact within trusted relationships – such as husband and wife, parent and child – are particularly vicious since they cause serious deterioration in these crucial relationships.

“How much trust would you place in a person who told you the truth ninety five percent of the time?

“The ninety five percenter is like a leaky bucket, the hole may be small, but it renders the entire vessel unworthy of its purpose. Unless the hole can be mended, the bucket is bound for the trash heap.”

Love Nurtures Faith

Elder Bednar taught:

We Should Express Love and Show it:

“Feeling the security and constancy of love from a spouse, a parent, or a child is a rich blessing. Such love nurtures and sustains faith in God. Such love is a source of strength and casts out fear (see 1 John 4:18). Such love is the desire of every human soul.”

We Should Bear Testimony and Live It:

“Within the walls of our own homes, we can and should bear pure testimony of the divinity and reality of the Father and the Son, of the great plan of happiness, and of the Restoration.”

“Our testimony of gospel truth should be reflected both in our words and in our deeds. . . . our testimonies are proclaimed and lived most powerfully in our own homes. . . . We should both create and look for opportunities to bear testimony of gospel truths—and live them.

“Feeling the power, the edification, and the constancy of testimony from . . . a parent . . . is a rich blessing. Such testimony fortifies faith and provides direction. Such testimony generates light in a world that grows increasingly dark. Such testimony is the source of an eternal perspective and of enduring peace.”

Be Consistent

“Each family prayer, each episode of family scripture study, and each family home evening is a brushstroke on the canvas of our souls. No one event may appear to be very impressive or memorable. . . . our consistency in doing seemingly small things can lead to significant spiritual results.

“Being consistent in our homes is important for another reason. Many of the Savior’s harshest rebukes were directed to hypocrites. Jesus warned His disciples concerning the scribes and Pharisees: “Do not ye after their works: for they say, and do not” (Matthew 23:3). This strong admonition is sobering given the counsel to “express love—and show it,” to “bear testimony—and live it,” and to “be consistent.”

“A public statement of love when the private actions of love are absent at home is hypocrisy—and weakens the foundation of a great work. Publicly declaring testimony when faithfulness and obedience are missing within our own homes is hypocrisy—and undermines the foundation of a great work. The commandment “Thou shalt not bear false witness” (Exodus 20:16) applies most pointedly to the hypocrite in each of us. We need to be and become more consistent. “But be thou an example of the believers, in word, in conversation, in charity, in spirit, in faith, in purity”. (1 Timothy 4:12)

“The hypocrisy in our lives is most readily discerned and causes the greatest destruction within our own homes. And children often are the most alert and sensitive when it comes to recognizing hypocrisy.”

How to Teach a Colt to Fall Over

Here is a story told by Elder M. Russell Ballard. His application of this story was how to encourage young men to serve missions but the application is universal as we deal with children or adults.

 Elder M Russell Ballard, Ensign, May 2005, “One More”

“As you reach out to them, please remember the experience of a friend of mine. He had never owned a horse in his life until he married a wonderful woman who loves horses. Wanting to impress his new bride, he announced one evening that he was going to the pasture to teach a colt how to be led. He weighed more than the colt. He knew more than the colt. He assumed all he would need to do was pull on the lead rope and sooner or later the colt would follow. He was confident that the process would be short and simple.

He attached the lead rope to the halter, got in front of the colt, and pulled. The colt resisted. My friend pulled harder, and the colt planted his legs more firmly. So he really pulled, and the colt fell over. The process was repeated several times until my friend made this assessment: in just four or five minutes he had successfully taught the colt to fall over. All he had to do was get in front of the colt, pick up the rope, and over it would go.

His wife, watching this process, finally suggested that instead of getting in front of the colt and pulling, he might try wrapping the rope around the colt and simply walking alongside. To my friend’s chagrin, it worked.

There seems to be something inside each of us that resists being told or pushed or pulled. But if someone puts an arm around a young man and walks alongside him, he is likely to follow along with a desire to serve.