He Made Me Mad

I'm preparing again for a Ward Conference Relief Society lesson and reread this excerpt from a General Conference talk from a while back. It really made an impression on me when it was given so I went looking for it when considering how we create an atmosphere of love in our homes that will lead to spiritual growth.

Lynn G Robbins, GC, April 1998, Agency and Anger

“. . . Satan is the “father of contention, and he stirreth up the hearts of men to contend with anger, one with another” (3 Ne. 11:29; emphasis added). The verb stir sounds like a recipe for disaster: Put tempers on medium heat, stir in a few choice words, and bring to a boil; continue stirring until thick; cool off; let feelings chill for several days; serve cold; lots of leftovers.

A cunning part of his strategy is to dissociate anger from agency, making us believe that we are victims of an emotion that we cannot control. We hear, “I lost my temper.” . . . To “lose something” implies “not meaning to,” “accidental,” “involuntary,” “not responsible”—careless perhaps but “not responsible.”

“He made me mad.” This is another phrase we hear, also implying lack of control or agency. This is a myth that must be debunked. No one makes us mad. Others don’t make us angry. There is no force involved. Becoming angry is a conscious choice, a decision; therefore, we can make the choice not to become angry. We choose!”

“Nor can becoming angry be justified. In Matthew 5, verse 22, the Lord says: “But I say unto you, That whosoever is angry with his brother without a cause shall be in danger of the judgment” (emphasis added). How interesting that the phrase “without a cause” is not found in the inspired Joseph Smith Translation (see Matt. 5:24), nor in the 3 Nephi 12:22 version. When the Lord eliminates the phrase “without a cause,” He leaves us without an excuse. “But this is my doctrine, that such things should be done away” (3 Ne. 11:30). We can “do away” with anger, for He has so taught and commanded us.”

How shall we avoid deception?

How shall we be able to avoid deception in these the last days when Christ himself prophesied:

"For in those days there shall also arise false Christs, and false prophets, and shall show great signs and wonders, insomuch, that, if possible, they shall deceive the very elect, who are the elect according to the covenant. "  (JS Matthew 1:22)

Elder Kim B. Clark warned in last General Conference:
"Whatever level of spirituality or faith or obedience we now have, it will not be sufficient for the work that lies ahead. We need greater spiritual light and power. We need eyes to see more clearly the Savior working in our lives and ears to hear His voice more deeply in our hearts."

D&C 45: 55-59 gives us the key to arriving at the last day where Satan has no place in our heart; the key to being one of the wise virgins referred to in the parable of the Ten Virgins found in Matthew 25:1-13.  The key is . . . . are you ready . . . . .drum roll please . . . . in D&C 45:57 . . . . the wise vigins "have taken the Holy Spirit for their guide"

So taking the Holy Spirit for our guide becomes our most important task. Elder Clark gave some good guidelines for doing that, all the simple stuff that we've heard over and over. Do we have faith enough to act upon these guidelines? Its the same as asking "Are we wise enough to keep oil in our lamps during the time of waiting for the Savior's return?"  Cause that's how we do it - so simple that its easy to look beyond the mark.

In all of these guidelines, I would add that it's crucial that our heart is engaged as we do them.  Simply checking them off a "TO DO LIST" is not going to work in the long term.

From Elder Clark:
In our HOMES: pray in faith, search the scriptures, keep the Sabbath day holy

In our CHAPElS: partake of the sacrament, make sacred promises to Heavenly Father 

In HOLY TEMPLES: participate in sacred ordinances

in our FAMILIES and ASSIGNMENTS: reach out to others, lifting their burdens and inviting them to come to Christ 

THEN this is the PROMISE: "the Holy Ghost will come! We will grow spiritually and gain experience with the Holy Ghost, and He will be our companion."

The RESULT for us: we will see the Lord Jesus Christ working in our lives; we will see our brothers and sisters through eyes of love and compassion; we will hear the Savior's voice in the scriptures, in the whisperings of the spirit, in the words of the living prophets; we will see the power of God resting upon HIs prophet; and we will know with a surety that this is God's holy work; we will see the way the Savior does; we will have eyes to see and ears to hear. . . Through the companionship of the Holy Ghost we will be able to cut through confusion, pain and darkness. 

I would add my testimony to these promises. I know that it's through these simple things that we use our agency to choose Christ and "receive the Holy Ghost". I know that He keeps His promises. I know that as we choose to receive the Holy Ghost - to invite him into our lives by doing these simple things, we will be led and guided to know "all things what ye should do." (2 N 32:5)

I know that "the Spirit speaketh truth and lieth not."  and that the spirit will show us "things as they really are, and of things as they really will be." and that the spirit will show us these things "plainly for the salvation of our souls." (Jacob 4:13) There is absolute truth - things as they really are and the spirit will teach it to us. There is good and evil. It is given unto us to judge. There is a light by which we may judge and we are counseled to "see that ye do not judge wrongfully. (Moroni 7:18-19)

“The ability to receive and act upon personal revelation is the single most important skill we can acquire in this life. With it we cannot fail; without it we cannot succeed” (Julie B Beck; “And upon the Handmaids in Those Days Will I Pour Out My Spirit,”Ensign, May 2010, 11).

So what can we do to increase our abilities to receive revelation from the Holy Ghost? How can we help our children to acquire this skill? How can we take the Holy Spirit for our guide?

Your Next Step

We read a conference talk together every morning. Today is was Elder Randall K Bennett, titled “Your Next Step”. He quoted Moroni 7:33 which says, “If ye will have faith in me ye shall have power to do whatsoever thing is expedient in me.”  He then went through three principles that will help us take our next step in our journey back to our Father in Heaven.  I believe these are true and powerful principles that will help us move forward in any worthy effort.

1. Become as a Child: When a child is learning to walk, they try and fail many times but they never give up. And because of that, they eventually learn how to walk. With childlike humility and willingness to keep trying, never giving up hope even when we fall, we can make progress toward Heavenly Father and our Savior. Our Heavenly Father rejoices in every faithful step and every effort to get back up and try again. – Elder Bennett

I believe our faithful efforts to overcome weaknesses and our efforts towards any worthy, desired outcome are steps towards becoming more like Him. And lead us back to Him. ~Shelley

2. Act with Faith: “Whenever we willingly act with faith in Jesus Christ and take another step, especially an uncomfortable step requiring change or repentance, we are blessed with strength. I testify that the Lord will guide us to – and through our next steps. He will more than match our efforts with His power if we are willing to keep trying, repenting, and moving forward with faith in our Heavenly Father and His Son, Jesus Christ.”  - Elder Bennett

Our devoted weekly observance of the Sabbath – a sign of our love for the Lord - carries with it a promise for our obedience. “We are promised that with devoted Sabbath day observance, the fulness of the earth will be ours.” (D&C 59:9-10, 13, 15-16)  - Elder Bennett

3. Overcome the Natural Man: “A third principle is this: we must counter the natural man’s tendency to procrastinate, to put off, or to give up. . . . faith in Heavenly Father and in Jesus Christ is a principle of action and power. If we are willing to act, we will be blessed with the strength to repent and with the strength to change.  . . We fail only if we fail to take another faithful step forward.” – Elder Bennett

Promised Blessings: “I promise that each faith-filled step will be met with help from heaven” – Elder Bennett

It’s my testimony that there is great and often untapped power available to us because of faithful keeping of covenants and commandments.  We need only the faith to ask and seek - the blessings are waiting to be given.  ~Shelley

Trust

I've been reviewing some of the classes I attended at Education Week last August, These quotes came from a class I attended about Trust.  Every day the teacher began the class with this quote: 

“To be trusted is a greater compliment than to be loved.” (Quoted by David O McKay, Gospel Ideals [1953]. 187)

 Here is another quote from that class about the importance of reliability in developing relationships of trust.

“Here is a hypothetical. You are home with your children. A person you don’t want to talk to is calling on the phone or coming to the door. You are tempted to have the children tell them you are not home.

“If you do this, you are showing your children that you will lie to gain an advantage, and you are teaching them how to do the same. You are weakening their faith that they can trust you to tell the truth. You are also casting doubt on the validity of the commandment not to lie and on the prophets who taught that commandment. You are even diminishing faith in the existence of the God whose commandment it is.” (Dallin H. Oaks, BYU Address, Nov 9, 2004)

Another quote from that class:

“Our principal rarely gets into classrooms to observe or give feedback. But when we had our accreditation visit, right in front of the whole team our principal said that he gets into every classroom at least once a year, if not more, He said that most were informal, drop-in visits. We all knew that it wasn’t true. We couldn’t believe that he would come right out and lie like that! After that, I never trusted him in the same way again.” (Trust Matters – Leadership for Successful Schools;Book by Megan Tschannen-Moran)

Sarcasm and Ether 12:23-37

I have been thinking a lot about sarcasm ever since the class I attended at Education Week.  Brother Himmer compared sarcasm with verbal flogging. When you understand what was involved in flogging, it’s clear to see how seriously wrong it is to use sarcasm as a communication style. But I was reading today in the scriptures and had another realization about sarcasm.

In Ether chapter 12, Moroni is lamenting to the Lord about his fear that the Gentiles will “mock at these things, because of our weakness in writing”. In verse 26 the Lord answers him “saying: Fools mock, but they shall mourn; and my grace is sufficient for the meek that they shall take no advantage of your weakness;”

Sarcasm is basically a form of mocking.  In fact, it’s a backhanded way to mock someone, pretending to be trying to be funny. It is, in reality, “taking advantage of [someone’s] weakness”(verse 26). It is the opposite of charity. In this same chapter, Moroni talks a lot about faith hope and charity. He says in verse 34, “. . . except men shall have charity they cannot inherit that place which thou hast prepared in the mansions of thy Father”.

Sarcasm as a communication style in a family is especially hurtful because of the significance the Lord has placed on family relationships. It destroys safety and trust which are two critical elements in meaningful relationships. It tears down self-esteem. The spirit cannot be present when we’re engaged in sarcasm. It leads to cynicism in those who are learning it from us and is an expression of cynicism in those who engage in it. Cynicism is an indication of a lack of faith and hope. Verse 32 says “wherefore a man must hope, or he cannot receive an inheritance in the place which thou hast prepared.” It seems that sarcasm is the opposite of faith, hope and charity.  

The Anatomy of a Conversation – Richard P. Himmer

Some background first- these ideas were all talked about in my class but because I couldn’t write fast enough I’ve refreshed my memory from reading his book.  So some of the clarification of thoughts comes from that book – Listen & Lead; The Micro Skills of a Leader

Being a Leader

The goal of these classes was to learn how to lead or wield influence. There are 4 different settings in which we lead/wield influence and in which these skills will be beneficial.

      1. Personal life – learning how to safely “self-talk” and deal with anxiety and conflict

      2. Family life and with friends – learning how to deal with conflicts and behavior boundaries.

      3. Public leadership – how you interface with the world; organizational, religious, political, team

      4. Informal leadership – which is not dependent on position, title or personality type; anyone can become one if they learn the necessary skills. It’s the skill set that makes the difference and it can be learned. It involves transformation, changing.

The difference between a manager and a leader – a manager oversees objects; a leader leads people. A person with or without a formal title who treats people as humans, with trust and respect, is a leader. A title doesn’t make someone a leader. An effective leader is also a competent follower: He who has never learned to obey cannot be a good commander. (Aristotle)

An Old Afghan proverb states: “If you think you’re leading and no one is following you, then you’re only taking a walk.” Leaders by definition are followed. A leader must develop trust in the space shared with others in order for that to happen. 

The Importance of Emotional Intimacy

If we are to be a leader or wield influence whether it’s in our job, our calling or our family relationships, formal or informal, we have to be concerned with developing mutual trust and respect.  This is called “emotional intimacy” and it is only achieved in a safe space; a space free from judging, relating, “should-ing”, telling, bossing, bullying and meaningless surface talk.

Emotional Intimacy is predicated on mutual trust and respect. 

 “Friendship . . .is built on two things: respect and trust. Both elements have to be there. And it has to be mutual. You can have respect for someone, but if you don’t have trust, the friendship will crumble. – Mikael Blomkvist

 Emotional intimacy is the key to successful marriages and child rearing. It’s healthy and desirable to have emotional intimacy of varying levels with the people around us. It is sharing safe space based on integrity and honesty, trust and respect. It involves having conversations deeper than surface talk.  It comes from time spent in learning about someone else – not thinking or worrying about self. 

Learning to be interested in another person is the gift of being present. The value of giving up your time to completely focus on another person is priceless, as is the return on investment.

Suicide notes from youth state the top 2 reasons - #1. Being bullied;  #2. No one understands me Without the ability to connect, when there is no trust or respect, hearts will wax cold.

Without the ability to connect we become “co-dependent” – always seeking the 3 A’s as a substitute for a deep relationship.  The 3 A’s of co-dependence are Affirmation, Acceptance, Approval. When we are always seeking these three things in our interpersonal relationships we achieve only surface love rather than emotional intimacy. It is a common fallacy that the 3 A’s equal happiness – they do not. All true happiness in life is based on our ability to trust and respect.  President David O McKay said quoting George McDonald, “To be trusted is a greater compliment than to be loved.” Brother HImmer says "To be trusted is more productive than to be loved."

When we are young, we search our environment, seeking people who know us or who are interested in us. Notice how children that age are very active, inserting themselves into the world. – “Watch me”, ‘Listen to me” or “Guess what I did today”.  However if that search bears little or no fruit, we adapt our social skills. We try different tactics until our behavior garners sufficient attention.  We may seek to be “liked”. We may use our IQ to put other people down.  We may try to bully or dominate, or develop the skills of sarcasm or criticism.  We search for emotional intimacy and when we can’t find it we replace it with anger, dominance, an attitude of always being right, passivity or aggression.

Creating Emotional Intimacy through Conversation

The ability to have conversations on a healthy emotionally intimate level is not a common skill. I’ve been trying for the last month based on what I’ve learned and I’m not good at it! It’s hard!

We each have space. We are constantly assessing whether the space around us is safe to have a conversation.

Conversation Chemistry:  Brother Himmer spent time discussing how the brain works and what it means to “flip your lid” or be fragmented vs actng from a place of integration.  It’s interesting but hard to put on paper so you’ll get it without putting you to sleep. Suffice it to say that in a situation of trust all of the good hormones are secreted and in a situation of distrust – all of the bad ones – the ones that arouse our sub conscious “fight or flight”; “freeze or faint” reaction; that shut down our ability to empathize, to have creative thoughts, even to speak, and releases the “negative thinking” drug.

Our ability to create safe space for others is hindered by our level of comprehension or self-awareness which is often blocked by pride and the underground truth we fear to acknowledge – the huge pink elephant in the room with black-rimmed glasses that we won’t admit is present.

Ted Talk: The danger of intelligence mixed with confidence: We see ourselves as better than we are; overconfident; in denial about addictions; We are a narcissistic society. Maybe it’s better to see the glass as half empty.  Low self-esteem may be positive –perhaps a humble, less confident world would be better

The Four S’s of Conversation

 1. Safe –when you create safety, the law of reciprocity kicks in and we are driven to connect. Don’t share before invited

 2. Seen – feel felt. The correct definition of Empathy is the ability to acknowledge the thoughts, feelings, and experiences of another person without inserting you into the discussion.

3. Soothed – able to operate from an integrated brain rather than a fragmented or flipped brain. There is no evidence to support the notion that Logic is manly and Emotion is weak. Logic integrated with emotion is best.

4. Secure - mutual trust and respect

The Rules of Engagement for conversation are:

1) Safe Space free from  . . .

Criticism               sarcasm                judging                 relating                 persuasion          manipulation         condescension           “should-ing”           controlling           intimidation

2) Feel Felt - when properly used empathy can resolve conflicts, avoid contention, diffuse anger, mitigate disagreements, and create emotional intimacy

Brother Himmer was very passionate about the danger of sarcasm. He said if you are really good at sarcasm – wait until the next generation and the next use it on you.  It is passed on just like an addiction. An addictive process has a 4 generation shelf life. It is a maladaptive behavior. In one of his classes He described sarcasm as “verbal flogging” and described the process of “flogging”.  Very powerful analogy! – I’ll find it and share it in a later blog

How do we create safe space?

One important way is to ask questions.  But how you ask the questions makes a difference.  If you’re looking for the highest probability of success; to get return for trust and respect; to create a safe space – learn and use the following skills.

Skills for asking questions:

=>           Intonation – We have been trained to inflect our voice up at the end of a question. But research shows that an upward inflection raises anxiety levels in the one being questioned. Learn to inflect voice down at the end of a question especially when trying to relate with a teen or other highly charged relationship. Practice these sentences: “Have you seen Pat?”  “Are you hungry?”  “Did I get that right?” Now say again but first say “The wall is white.” Then use that pattern of intonation to practices the sentences above.

=>           Use the answer to the last question to know what to ask next.  Using a sequential process of asking questions – based on the answer given, protects you from overstepping their boundaries. Their answers give you permission to talk about the answer.

=>           Start with relatively innocuous questions about their interests, their school, their job.

=>           Ask open ended questions – How or Why.

=>           Ask questions that go down rather than horizontal surface questions.

=>           If you ask the right questions in trust and respect, people will want to share

=>           Ask questions with no motive except to understand how another feels through their eyes, trying to figure things out. There is no “me” in that space. It’s all about the other person.  You are investing in them. They are the expert and you are the student. Give them permission to be heard.

=>           Keep the space is neutral.  It’s not about my thoughts, my judgments, my commonalities, my opinions, or me. It’s about the other person, their thoughts, feelings, experiences, ideas, philosophies and happiness. I’m active in the story and can even govern the direction of the story based on the questions asked. Giving undivided attention to someone feels incredibly good and the feeling is not forgotten. You’ve earned their trust.

Things I learned at Education Week 2015

How Emotional Intelligence can Increase Your Confidence and Protect Personal Boundaries

During Education Week this year I attended two series of classes taught by Richard Himmer, a leadership coach with a PhD in Organizational Psychology who has a coaching practice in Gig Harbor, Washington. Without a doubt his classes had the most profound influence on my life.  His ideas have application in all areas of life.  His work and ideas are geared toward not just executives, managers, employers and employees but also and just as importantly to spouses, parents, grandparents and leaders of any organization including and maybe especially religious organizations.  I have been able to see so many things that I can do differently to develop stronger interpersonal relationships built on mutual trust and respect.  I want to share what I’ve learned with anyone interested.  I would love it if I could help others avoid the mistakes I have made. Preconceived beliefs and an inability to recognize the behaviors that sabotage our communication efforts are often the byproduct of our family of origin.  It’s likely that I’ve passed many challenges on to my children. 

  

Obviously just because I sat through 8 hours of classes where this topic was discussed doesn’t make me proficient.  I have a long way to go to practice and apply the principles that were taught so fast I could hardly keep up with them in class.  I bought a book and a workbook that I hope to use to help me.

So here I go to summarize some of the things I learned in the first class on Tuesday:

Happiness comes from Interpersonal Relationships that are built on mutual trust and respect which is the same as saying that Happiness comes from Interpersonal Relationships that are emotionally intimate and interdependent.  Happiness comes as you learn how to connect with another person on a deep level.

Learning how to do this requires becoming “self-aware”.  We are not usually aware of self; not observant.  We should look in the mirror more often rather than look at the other person.

A very helpful thing to say would be “I know I’m not doing something right. Would you share your opinion about it?”

NEVER give an unsolicited opinion. It will likely be perceived as criticism. Watch carefully for the urge to foment an opinion on someone else.  Be aware and change.  We are concerned with being right way too often.

[The scriptures teach us that it is vitally important to our salvation to be able to see things as they really are and that the Spirit will teach us what we need to know.  We can pray to be taught the things we need to know about ourselves – to see things as they really are – to understand what we need to do differently.

[Jacob 4:13, one of my favorite scriptures says  “. . . for the Spirit speaketh the truth and lieth not. Wherefore, it speaketh of things as they really are, and of things as they really will be; wherefore, these things are manifested unto us plainly, for the salvation of our souls. . . ”

[And 2 Nephi 32:5  “For behold, again I say unto you that if ye will enter in by the way, and receive the Holy Ghost, it will show unto you all things what ye should do.”]

The next thing we need to learn is how to “self-regulate”.  The definition of self-regulation is communicating feelings, beliefs and thoughts openly, and defending personal rights and values in a socially acceptable, non-offensive and non-destructive manner.

Self-regulation = assertiveness.  There is no advantage to passivity.  The passive voice is seldom heard and their happiness level is low. Every family has a peacemaker and that can be as big a problem as the bully.

In any conflict, we usually have the same goal but a different idea about how to get there.  Its ok to disagree.  Conflict is about what is right.  Contention is about who is right and that’s where the destruction happens in a relationship.

Instead of trying to persuade to my way of thinking we should focus on trying to make sense of things, trying to understand instead of trying to be right.  My opinion is rarely necessary, needed or important. What is important is to listen and to learn and to try to understand.  My immaculate perception is based on my previous experiences.  It is not absolute truth.  It is perceived truth.  Self-awareness is realizing where I’m coming from.

The natural reaction is to defend ourselves.  That reaction sends a signal to the bully – “please kick me harder.” They will push back.  Bullies love to see you squirm.  They love to make people feel miserable.  Instead of defending yourself ask a question.  It disarms the bully. Bullies are closet cowards.  When you ask an open ended question it creates a neutral position.  In a neutral mode you take control of the conversation. You arm yourself.

Seek Understanding. Become a life-long learner. Study Universal principles and study to see how I can change.

Most relationship troubles consist of 1 or more people who can’t empathize.  The correct definition of Empathy is the ability to articulate your understanding of another’s perspective.  In conversation, let it be about the other person.  It’s not about me – get “me” [I] out of the conversation.  Ask questions about them. Telling about my woes doesn’t help someone feel empathized with.  Example - “I know how you feel because . . .[this is what happened to me]

Trauma in childhood comes when parents don’t connect because they are too busy or unable to for whatever reason.  Do you want to give someone a gift? LISTEN!  Do you want to connect to another person? Learn how to connect about them. Authenticity is a key ingredient.

“The greatest gift you can give somebody is your own personal development.” – Jim Rohn.  Most people silently think: “If you will behave in a manner that fits my perceptions and give me permission to correct you when necessary – we’ll be happy”.   Far better to say “ I’ll take care of me for you and trust that you’ll take care of you for me.”  And then focus on yourself.

Emotional Intimacy = Trust and Respect.  Unsolicited criticism isn’t constructive.  It isn’t helpful. A safe space is required first.  Don’t offer opinions unless asked.

Happiness is contingent upon self-awareness.