You Can Never Get Enough of What You Don't Need

 You can never get enough of what you don't need because what you don't need can never satisfy. That comes from the title of a book by Mary Ellen Edmunds. I've never read the book but I love the title because it tis so true! 

One Threat to Personal Freedom

 I'm currently serving a welfare and self-reliance mission for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. It's perfect for me because I have always had strong feelings about the importance of being self-reliant. This quote expresses one of the reasons why I feel it is so important to do what we can to be self-reliant. 

"Man cannot be an agent unto himself if he is not self-reliant. . .  Whenever we get into a situation which threatens our self-reliance, we will find our freedom threatened as well. If we increase our dependence. we will find an immediate decrease in our freedom to act." —Marion G. Romney, "The Celestial Nature of Self-reliance, Ensign, November 1982, p. 91

We sometimes find ourselves in situations that we are unable to handle without help, and it is wonderful to have help available. But our goal should always be to become self-reliant as soon as possible. As we do so, we are able to be the ones to provide the help and that is an awesome feeling!

 

A Definition of a Fundamental Right

 There is a lot of talk about rights now days, many of them rights that have not been considered rights before. I read an article discussing rights and found what made a lot of sense to me. The discussion was about fundamental rights and conflicting rights. The definition  of a fundamental right given there is "Those rights which all men can simultaneously claim without forcing someone else to serve their needs." (Latter-day Conservative, "Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Happiness", Lesson 2, Video by Joel Skousen, "What is a Fundamental Right", https://www.latterdayconservative.com/education/a-course-on-liberty/life-liberty-and-the-pursuit-of-happiness/) The thoughts expressed in this post come from that website.

Many of the things being called rights now days don't meet this definition. They could be called conflicting rights. An example of a conflicting right would be the right to live in a neighborhood where your property values will remain high. This requires that someone else not be allowed to paint their house hot pink with black polk a dots. In order for your right to be protected, another's right to paint their house what ever color they want has to be curtailed. They must serve your need. 

Another example - in order for you to be in a room and experience peace and quiet, other people must not be allowed to make annoying noises. They are forced to serve your need and don't have the right to do what they want. Therefore experiencing peace and quiet in the room is not a fundamental right.

Their are some exceptions. Consider the fundamental right to life. This is a right you can claim without forcing others to serve your needs - except for children. Children require someone to serve their needs until they become capable of caring for themselves. This right falls into the category of the right of contract. The right of contract states that when an innocent third party has been damaged by your actions, you now have brought upon yourself a binding contract with the innocent third party to make it right.

Some claim they are free to choose abortion. However, they exercised their right to choose when they choose to engage in sexual relations. They cannot absolve themself of the consequences of their choice to have sexual relations any more than they could absolve themself of the consequences of driving their car through the fence of their neighbor and just drive away. There is now a third party, an innocent third party, that has been affected by those actions and therefore there is now a binding contract with the innocent third party. They started the process and therefore they have caused a contract. They are liable to support that child and they are not free to disavow that contract.

Tolerance

"Intolerance seeds contention; tolerance supersedes contention. Tolerance is the key that opens the door to mutual understanding and love.”

"Now may I offer an important note of caution. An erroneous assumption could be made that if a little of something is good, a lot must be better. Not so! Overdoses of needed medication can be toxic. Boundless mercy could oppose justice. So tolerance, without limit, could lead to spineless permissiveness.”

Elder Russell M. Nelson, “Teach Us Tolerance and Love” General Conference, April 1994

Do My Children Know?

“We all learn "line upon line, precept upon precept” with the goal being, authentic religious faith informing genuine Christlike living. In this there is no place for coercion or manipulation, no place for intimidation or hypocrisy. But no child in this Church should be left with uncertainty about his or her parents devotion to the Lord Jesus Christ, the Restoration of His Church, and the reality of living prophets and apostles, who now as in earlier days, lead that Church according to “the will of the Lord, . . . the mind of the Lord, . . . the word of the Lord,  . . . and the power of God unto salvation. “

Elder Holland, “A Prayer for the Children’, Conference Report, April 2003

I hope that my children  have no "uncertainty about my devotion to the Lord Jesus Christ, the Restoration of His Church, and the reality of living prophets and apostles, who now as in earlier days lead [His] Church"! I have no uncertainty! I know it with every fiber of my being!

Correct Children By Love

There are so many powerful quotes that I have studied this semester in Pathways. I wish I could share them all! I know by personal experience, both my own and what I have observed over many years, that the words from President Joseph F. Smith below are soooooo true!

“Fathers, if you wish your children to be taught in the principles of the gospel, if you wish them to love the truth and understand it, if you wish them to be obedient to and united to you, Love therm! And prove to them that you do love them by your every word or act to them. For your own sake, for the love that should exist between you and your boys - however wayward they might be . . . when you speak or talk to them, do it not in anger, do it not harshly, in a condemning spirit.” 

“Speak to them kindly; get down and weep with them if necessary and get them to feel tenderly toward you. Use no lash and no violence . . . approach them with reason, with persuasion and love unfeigned . . . You can’t force your boys, nor your girls into heaven. You may force them to hell, by using harsh means in the efforts to make them good, when you yourselves are not as good as you should be." 

President Joseph F. Smith, Gospel Doctrine, 316-17

A Total Leap of Faith!

Here are some of my favorite quotes from this week's study. I love the way Elder Hafen explains things! He speaks the truth in a powerful way and I add my witness to these truths.

". . . marrying and raising children can yield the most valuable religious experiences of their lives. Covenant marriage requires a total leap of faith: they must keep their covenants without knowing what risks that may require of them. They must surrender unconditionally, obeying God and sacrificing for each other. Then they will discover what Alma called 'incomprehensible joy.'"

" Of course, some have no opportunity to marry. And some divorces are unavoidable. But the Lord will ultimately compensate those faithful ones who are denied mortal fulfillment."

"Every marriage is tested repeatedly by three kinds of wolves.
The first wolf is natural adversity. . . 
Second, the wolf of their own imperfections will test them. One woman told me through her tears how her husband’s constant criticism finally destroyed not only their marriage but her entire sense of self-worth.
The third wolf is the excessive individualism . . . Our deepest God-given instinct is to run to the arms of those who need us and sustain us. But he [the adversary] drives us away from each other today with wedges of distrust and suspicion. He exaggerates the need for having space, getting out, and being left alone. Some people believe him—and then they wonder why they feel left alone.

"When we observe the covenants we make at the altar of sacrifice, we discover hidden reservoirs of strength."

"May we restore the concept of marriage as a covenant, even the new and everlasting covenant of marriage. And when the wolf comes, may we be as shepherds, not hirelings, willing to lay down our lives, a day at a time, for the sheep of our covenant. Then, like Adam and Eve, we will have joy."

Elder Bruce C. Hafen “Covenant Marriage,” General Conference, October 1996

Men and Women

From The Family: A Proclamation To The World:

“ALL HUMAN BEINGS—male and female—are created in the image of God. Each is a beloved spirit son or daughter of heavenly parents, and, as such, each has a divine nature and destiny. Gender is an essential characteristic of individual premortal, mortal, and eternal identity and purpose.” 

Here are some quotes that resonated with me from my study this week:

"Marvelously, it takes a man and a woman to make a man or a woman. Without union of the sexes, neither can we exist, nor can we become perfect. Ordinary and imperfect people can build each other through their wholeness together. The complete contribution of one partner to the other is essential to exaltation. This is so “that the earth might answer the end of its creation” (D&C 49:16)" (Elder Russell M. Nelson, “Lessons from Eve”, Ensign, November, 1987)

  

“We know that our physical bodies have a divine origin and that we must experience both a physical birth and a spiritual rebirth to reach the highest realms in God’s celestial kingdom. Thus, women play an integral part (sometimes at the risk of their own lives) in God’s work and glory “to bring to pass the immortality and eternal life of man.” As grandmothers, mothers, and role models, women have been the guardians of the wellspring of life, teaching each generation the importance of sexual purity—of chastity before marriage and fidelity within marriage. In this way, they have been a civilizing influence in society; they have brought out the best in men; they have perpetuated wholesome environments in which to raise secure and healthy children.

“Attitudes toward human sexuality threaten the moral authority of women on several fronts. Abortion for personal or social convenience strikes at the heart of a woman’s most sacred powers and destroys her moral authority. The same is true of sexual immorality and of revealing dress that not only debases women but reinforces the lie that a woman’s sexuality is what defines her worth.”

“ . . . . Equal-opportunity promiscuity simply robs women of their moral influence and degrades all of society. In this hollow bargain, it is men who are “liberated” and women and children who suffer most.” (Elder D. Todd Christofferson, “The Moral Force of Women”, Ensign, October 2013)

“Brethren, much has been said and written in recent years about the challenges of men and boys. A sampling of book titles, for example, includes Why There Are No Good Men Left, The Demise of Guys, The End of Men, Why Boys Fail, and Manning Up. . . . a common thread running through these analyses is that in many societies today men and boys get conflicting and demeaning signals about their roles and value in society. 

“In their zeal to promote opportunity for women, something we applaud, there are those who denigrate men and their contributions. They seem to think of life as a competition between male and female—that one must dominate the other, and now it’s the women’s turn. Some argue that a career is everything and marriage and children should be entirely optional—therefore, why do we need men? In too many Hollywood films, TV and cable shows, and even commercials, men are portrayed as incompetent, immature, or self-absorbed. This cultural emasculation of males is having a damaging effect.  

“Brethren, it cannot be this way with us. As men of the priesthood, we have an essential role to play in society, at home, and in the Church. But we must be men that women can trust, that children can trust, and that God can trust. In the Church and kingdom of God in these latter days, we cannot afford to have boys and men who are drifting. We cannot afford young men who lack self-discipline and live only to be entertained. We cannot afford young adult men who are going nowhere in life, who are not serious about forming families and making a real contribution in this world. We cannot afford husbands and fathers who fail to provide spiritual leadership in the home. We cannot afford to have those who exercise the Holy Priesthood, after the Order of the Son of God, waste their strength in pornography or spend their lives in cyberspace (ironically being of the world while not being in the world). (Elder D. Todd Christofferson, “Brethren We Have a Work to Do”, Ensign, October 2012)

“The unique combination of spiritual, physical, mental, and emotional capacities of both males and females were needed to implement the plan of happiness. Alone, neither the man nor the woman could fulfill the purposes of his or her creation. (Elder David A. Bednar, “Marriage is Essential to His Plan”, Ensign, April 2006

Marriage and Family

I have been studying the Proclamation on the Family in my PathwayConnect Course. These are some of the ideas that have strengthened my views about the doctrine taught in that proclamation. 

The first paragraph of the Proclamation states: “We, the First Presidency and the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, solemnly proclaim that marriage between a man and a woman is ordained of God and that the family is central the Creator’s plan for the eternal destiny of His children.”

Elder David A. Bednar summarized it this way (Marriage is Essential to His Plan, Ensign, June 2006):

“The eternal nature and importance of marriage can be fully understood only within the overarching context of the Father’s plan for His children. . . The great plan of happiness enables the spirit sons and daughters of Heavenly Father to obtain physical bodies, to gain earthly experience, and to progress toward perfection. . . The natures of male and female spirits complete and perfect each other, and therefore men and women are intended to progress together toward exaltation."

For me, one of the clearest explanations of the connection between the Plan of Salvation and the doctrine of the family was given by Sister Julie B. Beck. 

"In the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, we have a theology of the family that is based on the Creation, the Fall and the Atonement. The Creation of the earth provided a place where families could live. God created a man and a woman who were the two essential halves of a family. It was part of Heavenly Father’s plan that Adam and Eve be sealed and form an eternal family. 

"The Fall provided a way for the family to grow. Adam and Eve were family leaders who chose to have a mortal experience. The Fall made it possible for them to have sons and daughters. 

"The Atonement allows for the family to be sealed together eternally. It allows for families to have eternal growth and perfection. The plan of happiness, also called the plan of salvation, was a plan created for families. The rising generation need to understand that the main pillars of our theology are centered in the family. 

"When we speak of qualifying for the blessings of eternal life, we mean qualifying for the blessings of eternal families. This was Christ’s doctrine, and it was restored through the Prophet Joseph Smith. It is recorded in Doctrine and Covenants 2:1–3: 

“Behold, I will reveal unto you the Priesthood, by the hand of Elijah the prophet before the coming of the great and dreadful day of the Lord. 

“And he shall plant in the hearts of the children the promises made to the fathers, and the hearts of the children shall turn to their fathers. 

“If it were not so, the whole earth would be utterly wasted at his coming.” 

"This scripture is talking about temple blessings—ordinances and covenants without which “the whole earth [is] utterly wasted.” 

“The Family: A Proclamation to the World” was written to reinforce that the family is central to the Creator’s plan.  Without the family, there is no plan; there is no reason for mortal life.”

(From a broadcast address given to seminary and institute of religion teachers on August 4, 2009. It was printed in the Ensign, “Teaching the Doctrine of the Family,” Ensign, Mar. 2011, 12–17.)

And in conclusion, again, from Elder Bednar:

“As we look beyond mortality and into eternity, it is easy to discern that the counterfeit alternatives the adversary advocates can never lead to the completeness that is made possible through the sealing together of a man and a woman, to the happiness of righteous marriage, to the joy of posterity, or to the blessing of eternal progression." 

This is NOT going to work!

It seems to me that the Savior’s Apostles exercised a lot of faith to even start to pass out the 5 loaves and 2 fishes to such a large group of people. They must have had some thoughts such as these: This is not going to work, it will never be enough to feed everyone. It would be unfair or rude to feed only a few and then run out. Why bother? In fact the scriptures say that they did have such a thought. (John 6:9) But they had seen many miracles performed by the Savior so I guess that’s why they believed enough to do what He told them to do.
What miracles have we seen? Have we seen enough to grow our faith to the point that we will do what the Savior says even if it doesn’t make sense to our finite brains?
Isaiah 55:8-9 For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, saith the Lord.

The Lord “invites us to come to Him with our sincere questions.”

I was inspired by this. It is from the March 2019 Ensign, pp 68-69:

"When we are troubled by uncertainty, the Savior counsels us to avoid doubt. He said, “Look unto me in every thought; doubt not, fear not” (Doctrine and Covenants 6:36). And Moroni wrote, “Doubt not, but be believing” (Mormon 9:27).

"We should remember that “the term question is not synonymous with the term doubt.” Doubt assumes the very worst about ourselves and others. When we doubt, we fear that someone is trying to cheat or deceive us. To doubt that Jesus is the Christ implies that He and those who have borne witness of Him are confused, misguided, or lying. To doubt the Book of Mormon, one must assume the worst about Joseph Smith and everyone who gave so much to bring it forth. To doubt our ability to repent and change implies that Christ cannot do what He claims, that His power is somehow limited.

"Although the Lord discourages doubt, He invites us to come to Him with our sincere questions. “Ask, and it shall be given you,” He taught (Matthew 7:7).

"We can replace doubts with sincere questions, such as “Is Jesus the Christ?” “Is the Book of Mormon true?” “Did Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ appear to Joseph Smith?” “Does Christ lead this Church today?” or “Can I be forgiven of my sins?” Sincere questions like these can soften our hearts as we show our trust in the Lord and look to Him for answers.

"We may also discover that some of our questions aren’t so important or don’t really need immediate answers. Tad R. Callister, Sunday School General President, stated: “I can live with some human imperfections, even among prophets of God--that is to be expected in mortal beings. I can live with some alleged scientific findings contrary to the Book of Mormon; time will correct those. And I can live with some seeming historical anomalies; they are minor in the total landscape of truth. But I cannot live without the doctrinal truths and ordinances restored by Joseph Smith, I cannot live without the priesthood of God to bless my family, and I cannot live without knowing my wife and children are sealed to me for eternity.”

Handling a Conflict Situation

Interesting stuff happens in our brains when we find ourselves in a conflict situation. These responses are automatic and take a great deal of self awareness to change.

Psychologist Connie Lillas uses a driving analogy to describe the three most common ways people respond when they’re overwhelmed by stress:

• Foot on the gas. An angry or agitated stress response. You’re heated, keyed up, overly emotional, and unable to sit still.
• Foot on the brake. A withdrawn or depressed stress response. You shut down, space out, and show very little energy or emotion.
• Foot on both gas and brake. A tense and frozen stress response. You “freeze” under pressure and can’t do anything. You look paralyzed, but under the surface you’re extremely agitated.

Stress interferes with your ability to resolve conflicts by limiting your ability to:

• Accurately read another person's nonverbal communication
• Hear what someone is really saying
• Be aware of your own feelings
• Be in touch with your deep-rooted needs
• Communicate your needs clearly

http://www.helpguide.org/articles/relationships/conflict-resolution-skills.htm

The message for me from this information: Let some time pass before trying to resolve a conflict so the stress level can go down and clearer thinking can prevail. One strategy for kids and adults could be to remove them or ourselves from the situation and then simply say "Let's talk about this in a few minutes" or some other appropriate time in the future. 

Malcom Gladwell's 10,000 Hour Rule

I've often heard people say "I wish I knew how to play the piano". I've been tempted to say in response "You could, if you were willing to spend the time to learn." Some people are inclined to think that it is a matter talent that makes a good piano player. But Bryan's piano teacher once told me that his brother was much more talented at piano than he was but wasn't as good a piano player now.

Talent can play an important role but it can also be a hinderance. When something comes to us easily we may not learn how to engage in the diligent work that is required for the development of true greatness. And diligent work is required!

Elder Cook said this in April 2017 General Conference. "When we watch a great athletic or musical performance, we often say that the person is very gifted, which is usually true. But the performance is based upon years of preparation and practice. One well-known writer, Malcolm Gladwell, has called this the 10,000-hour rule. Researchers have determined that this amount of practice is necessary in athletics, musical performance, academic proficiency, specialized work skills, medical or legal expertise, and so on. One of these research experts asserts “that ten thousand hours of practice is required to achieve the level of mastery associated with being a world-class expert—in anything.”

Elder Cook went on to compare the establishment of foundations of faith to the preparation and practice required to obtain peak physical and mental performance. Preparation and practice are essential to both.

We are sometimes blessed with sublime spiritual experiences and they are precious to us. "But for enduring faith and to have the constant companionship of the Spirit, there is no substitute for the individual religious observance that is comparable to physical and mental development. We should build on these experiences, which sometimes resemble initial baby steps. We do this by consecrated commitment to sacred sacrament meetings, scripture study, prayer, and serving as called." That is how we build "an immovable foundation of faith in the Lord Jesus Christ."

He said he has come to understand that "almost every decision we make in [our lives] depends on three issues: (1) Was Jesus Christ divine? (2) Is the Book of Mormon true? (3) Was Joseph Smith the prophet of the Restoration?" We must find the answers to these questions for ourselves. And when we do we must consistently fortify our foundation of faith by putting forth the same effort that is required for the strengthening of any talent.

From Elder Cook - "Just as repetition and consistent effort are required to gain physical or mental capacity, the same is true in spiritual matters".


"I believe that weekly participation in sacred sacrament meetings has spiritual implications we do not fully understand. Pondering the scriptures regularly—rather than reading them occasionally—can substitute a superficial understanding for a sublime, life-changing enhancement of our faith."

"My plea is that we will make the sacrifices and have the humility necessary to strengthen the foundations of our faith in the Lord Jesus Christ. "

I testify that "Faith is a principle of power" that will bless our lives beyond anything that we can imagine. And it can be be fortified through simple but consistent and prayerful application of the things Elder Cook teaches in this talk.

Immaculate Perception

"Immaculate Perception" is a phrase I heard used in a class about communication and emotional intelligence given by Richard Himmer at Education Week last year. I thought it was a great way to describe a common problem. We are often so self absorbed that we don't realize that we may not know or understand as much as we think we do about another's failings. Our perception of things is just that - our perception. And it is often too tainted by our limited perspective to be safely trusted. Anytime we become so sure that we know exactly what another person is thinking or feeling, we are in danger of this phenomenon. That kind of understanding comes only after we have been able to humbly ask the kind of questions that lead to understanding. It comes only when our only desires are to truly understand rather than accuse.

This is a great quote that also describes "Immaculate Perception":
"I know you think you understand what you thought I said. But I'm not sure you realize that what you heard is not what I meant" - Robert McCloskey

How can we have Influence?

I was blessed to be able to attend a sisters leadership training on Saturday night with Elder Christofferson, Bishop Causse and Elder Wilford W. Anderson of the Seventy. It was awesome. Interestingly, though I loved all of it, it was Elder Anderson's words that struck me most. He spoke about having influence and then taught more about it in answer to a question that was asked later in the evening. So here is my summary of what I got from it.

3 observations about how we can have influence.
1. Guilt; guilt is a good thing when it is leads to repentance. That is it's purpose. Godly Sorrow leads to repentance. But guilt can be a terrible thing, a tool of the adversary, when we experience it because of the behavior of others. Guilt is intended to lead us to repentance - we can't repent for others. I may have missed some of his point about how this is connected to having influence except that we can't be consumed by guilt for what others are doing.

2. Focus on the heart:  In the world, influence is thought to flow from important or powerful people but it is opposite in the church. It flows to the righteous not from them. To have influence we need to focus on the heart; we need to bring in light. The economy of God is different from the world. We love God because He first loved us. (1 John 4:19) We must use the attributes found in D&C 121 - persuasion, long suffering, gentleness, meekness, love unfeigned, kindness etc. Scolding doesn't bring light and change hearts.

3. We have time. We can't be in too big of a hurry. It takes time to change hearts. But we have time. We have eternity. It doesn't take much time to change conduct. We can do that pretty quickly if we try to use force. But that doesn't lead to lasting change and often has the opposite effect. We mistakenly focus on conduct and try to force change. We must respect the agency (and needs and feelings) of others.

Elder Anderson spoke of his father. He said his father never answered with a yes or a no to a request to do something. He always asked questions exploring the ramifications of the request. For example, when he asked if he could go camping for the weekend with his friend's family, his father ask lots of questions such as: Do you have some responsibilities at church this Sunday to prepare the Sacrament? Answer; Well yes but I can get my brother to cover for me. Q: Will you be able to attend church on Sunday? A: Well no but we can read a few scriptures and that will be good enough. After asking several other questions, his father would say, "Well if it were me, I wouldn't go." Elder Anderson usually ended up making the right decision.

So here is the key: To fortify homes, we need to fill them with the Spirit of the Lord. A change in desires is what we would like to have happen. We should do what we can to facilitate what happened to the people after King Benjamin's great address found in Mosiah 5:2-3.  - We believe all the words spoken to us. We know of their surety and truth because of the Spirit of the Lord Omnipotent, which has wrought a mighty change in our hearts that we have no more disposition to do evil but to do good continually. We ourselves, through the goodness of God and through the manifestation of his spirit, have had great views of the future.

That's what we want to have happen for our children or for anyone we would like to influence for good. Anger, scolding, disgust (sarcasm, criticism) are just the opposite of what is needed. Ill will offends the Spirit. The Spirit leaves. The Spirit of the Lord is our only hope so we must fill our homes with the Spirit of the Lord. Charity is our best chance at dispelling the darkness. (Charity suffers long and is kind, is not easily provoked, is not puffed up, is not concerned with self interests, doesn't think evil of others, bears all things, endures all things, hopes all things. Charity never fails)

When Mercy Becomes a Man Eating Weed

Here is a quote I first read and loved many years ago. It's from C. S. Lewis about mercy and justice. It's taken from an essay called "The Humanitarian Theory of Punishment". Reading the whole essay helps in understanding the quote. And though his examples relate to the justice system, the principle is true in all situations. What I get from it is that there is a sternness that can save and a niceness that is capable of destroying the very one it purports to help. Mercy and Justice are linked together. The Plan of Salvation promises both and because of that we can have faith that ALL things will be made RIGHT in the end - WHATEVER that may mean. There is right and wrong and we're better off when we know the difference rather than going through life unable to see "things as they really are" (Jacob 4:13). There WILL BE a judgement bar, a time to make an account. The law of the harvest demands that we WILL reap what we sow. It can't be any other way. Without it faith is vain.

Love is the constant that makes both justice and mercy work. It is Christlike love that loves the sinner but doesn't condone the sin or the wrong behavior and instead teaches the way to happiness.

"Mercy, detached from Justice, grows unmerciful. That is the important paradox. As there are plants which will flourish only in mountain soil, so it appears that Mercy will flower only when it grows in the crannies of the rock of Justice; transplanted to the marshlands of mere Humanitarianism, it becomes a man-eating weed, all the more dangerous because it is still called by the same name as the mountain variety. "

Link to the whole essay: https://ojs.lib.byu.edu/spc/index.php/IssuesInReligionAndPsychotherapy/article/viewFile/273/272

These are notes from a class I took at Education Week last year. The presenter was Kevin Hinckley.

Most of us have or have had at least one strong willed child. I think these ideas are good for lots of situations even if you don't necessarily consider your child a strong willed child.

Parenting Strong Willed Children

Remember: We’re trying to train a spirited horse without breaking them

Top down discipline = more bruises

Laze faire/no rules = Kids dominating isn’t good either

Characteristics of strong willed children: How to identify strong willed children

      "Difficult"or "Stubborn"
       Often different from your other kids

       Spirited and courageous

       Want to learn things for themselves rather than accept what other people say

       Test the limits over and over

       You are not the boss of me – desperately want to be in charge of themselves

       Must be right

       Focus and obsess on ideas or things
       Have big passionate feelings
       Prone to power struggles with parents

They can accomplish great things. But,if they buy into the notion that they are the problem or a troublemaker that is a big problem!

Recognize your “awfulizer”. It’s like a magnifier, We are able to think about a million things at the same time, gather all information and project a path. The “awfulizer” kicks in and we jump to all kinds of awful conclusions. We start to imagine all the awful things that are going to happen to our children if we don’t correct them. So we set up more strict rules – we start to over control and that leads to even more power struggles.

Top Ten Survival Guidelines for parenting strong willed kids:

1. Create Structure with their collaboration; with routine and rules.

         These routines and rules need to be able to be revisited

         They must be consistently applied

         The child needs to know the why of the rule

         The rule needs to be about taking care of a problem – it's not about inflicting pain or punishment

2. These children are experiential learners

         They learn by doing – even failing

         Walk through it afterward with them and ask “Is that what you wanted to have happen?” “What can you do differently next time?”

          They will learn from experience but they may have to learn it over and over. They will learn it when it’s worth their effort.

         Remember – do less than 80% of the talking; ask open ended questions, questions that can’t be answered with a simple yes or no.

3. What they want most is mastery over things

         They need wins; they need people and places where people say “That was awesome!”

4. Provide Choices and Options

         Avoid choicing traps – proper choicing is not a game. Choicing Traps: Empty choices, Over using choices, Options you don't want them to choose, My way or the highway choices, One that is really a punishment, Not age appropriate, Options that are meaningless      
         Not being open to their suggestions leads to lots of resentment.
         Allow them to modify their choices

         Move the parent from being the problem to being the cheerleader, the collaborator; Work together to work out a plan.

         Instead of being the “NO” person – learn how to be part of the solution

5. Don’t Push Them into Corners where they have to oppose you.

       HOW you parent is just as important as WHAT you parent
       Ask yourself “Is this a hill worth dying on?”

       Speak in still, soft tones

       Don’t confront when still angry – many decisions don’t have to be made immediately

       Ask yourself important questions like:

           What triggers YOU and makes YOU mad?

            What do YOU do when YOU get mad? Yell, anger, withdraw, sarcasm?
            What coping skills are YOU modeling?

6. Let Them Save Face
       Don't make everything a win/lose

7. Listen to them and Repeat Back what you are hearing – Listening Trumps Solving!

       If YOU solve it – they don’t own it

8. Really Try to See Issues from their point of view

9. It’s About Discipline (teaching) NOT Punishment

      Relationship not force
      Escalating to more severe punishment doesn’t work

      It is not the severity of the consequence that matters. It’s about making amends. It’s about teaching them to take responsibility. It’s not about teaching them to be afraid or resentful.

10. Offer Large Doses of Respect and Empathy
        Calm, Communicate, Collaborate, Collaborate, Collaborate

      They often run into bumps with other people. Be the bumpers on the bowling alley.   

Speak Out with Words of Love

President Gordon B Hinckley, 

“I plead with you to control your tempers, to put a smile upon your faces, which will erase anger; speak out with words of love and peace, appreciation, and respect. If you will do this, your lives will be without regret. Your marriages and family relationships will be preserved. You will be much happier. You will do greater good. You will feel a sense of peace that will be wonderful.” GC, October 2007; Slow to Anger

“I have never accepted the principle of “spare the rod and spoil the child.” I will be forever grateful for a father who never laid a hand in anger upon his children. Somehow he had the wonderful talent to let them know what was expected of them and to give them encouragement in achieving it.

I am persuaded that violent fathers produce violent sons. I am satisfied that such punishment in most instances does more damage than good. Children don’t need beating. They need love and encouragement. They need fathers to whom they can look with respect rather than fear. Above all, they need example.” GC, October 1994, “Save the Children”

Allowing Children to Fail

Thomas S. Monson said:

Good parenting sometimes means allowing our children to fail and to deal with some heartbreaking experiences. President Thomas S. Monson reminds us that “life was never intended to consist of a glut of luxury, be an easy course, or filled only with success. There are those games which we lose, those races in which we finish last, and those promotions which never come. Such experiences provide an opportunity for us to show our determination and to rise above disappointment.” Thomas S. Monson GC April 1989, “Go For It”

Conditional Gifts

Elder Dallin H. Oaks of the Quorum of the Twelve has counseled, 

“Just as God has bestowed some gifts on all of His mortal children without requiring their personal obedience to His laws, parents provide many benefits like housing and food even if their children are not in total harmony with all parental requirements. But, following the example of an all-wise and loving Heavenly Father who has given laws and commandments for the benefit of His children, wise parents condition some parental gifts on obedience." Dallin H, Oaks, GC Oct 2009, “Love and Law”